In 2016, there's a whole lot we're still unsure about. Who will be our 45th president? What new text-speak will the emoji gods bestow upon us? And now that you've deleted your respective Tinder/Grindr/whatever accounts, gotten the nod of approval from each other's crews, and admitted how super into each other you are, is it time to merge living spaces with your significant other? More couples than ever before — studies indicate that almost half of all American women between 15 and 44 have lived with a partner while unmarried — are taking that leap. But beyond actually deciding to do it, the unknowns are enough to trigger a whirlwind of panic. What if he or she can't deal with your laissez-faire dishes attitude? Is this the end of alone time?
To help guide you along, we tapped relationship expert and dateologist Tracey Steinberg. Ahead, she talks us through everything from who should buy the TP and Clorox ToiletWand to how to keep things fresh even when you're seeing each other every damn day. With her advice, it's safe to say we'll catch you at the housewarming.
Consider the why.
Some people want a ring on their finger before co-signing a lease. Some wait until they cannot stand another year with their roommates. And some suggest a six-months-of-dating minimum. But asking yourself why exactly you want to take this step is more important than how long you've been together. "Moving in because you want to share your life with a partner who loves and supports you is a great reason," says Steinberg. "Feeling desperate because your lease is up is not."
Once you’ve determined your reasoning is sound, it can't hurt to double-confirm with a trial run of sorts. Schedule a mini couple's getaway, split the planning, and take note of what does and doesn't work. No, vacation life isn't reality, but it will give you a chance to feel out how you naturally divide chores and responsibilities.
Discuss dollars.
Talking about money with anyone tends to be uncomfortable, but if you and your S.O. are planning to merge households, it's an absolute must. Before signing a lease — or even hunting for apartments — divulge your debt, income, and savings. Based on all that, proceed to calculate how much each of you can afford to contribute to your shared monthly rent.
"Fair doesn't always mean equal when it comes to splitting rent," says Steinberg. "Couples often factor in discrepancies in their respective incomes, and each contribute the same percentage of their annual pay." However you slice and dice it, vow to speak up the minute either one of you feels resentful, and set the expectation that you can reevaluate as your finances shift. Raise? Lost job? Major inheritance? All grounds to reexamine your arrangement.
Devise an exit strategy.
It's not the sexiest subject matter, but having the if-we-break-up talk now can help circumvent major conflict down the road, when emotions are sure to be running high. In the event that things simply don't work out, talk through how you'll split assets, and reassure one another that failure to work as roomies isn't always a relationship deal-breaker. It just may mean you weren't yet ready to take that step.
"Use language like, 'If we decide we're better off not living together...' not, 'If this bombs miserably...'" says Steinberg. "It's important to approach this tough talk with a positive, understanding energy."
Split the chores.
Say hello to your old friend, the chore chart. That's right, you and your partner are going to handle this the same way your kindergarten class did. Talk through which tasks you each dislike the most — some of us nail-art fanatics hate dishes, while others can't stand schlepping the recycling downstairs — customize a weekly schedule, and hang it on the fridge.
Next, create and hang another list of must-have cleaning supplies, like fresh sponges, paper towels, and a Clorox ToiletWand. Use it to keep track of who was the last to restock the stash (buying everything in bulk from one online source like Jet.com makes it easy) so that neither of you has to nag — or end up relying on tissues to clean up major spills.
Don't stop dating.
Bae's seen you sans makeup at this point, but has he or she seen you on day three of a sinus infection? Or after a burrito that didn't quite sit right? According to Steinberg, it's perfectly normal to fear that once your S.O. sees you at your worst, your sex life will fizzle away to a platonic bunkmate status. But if you've made it this far, the chances are slim that this will do you in.
That said, it's still important to make an effort when it counts. "Don't stop dating one another," she suggests. "Just because you see each other every day doesn't mean you can't still have special, planned nights out."
Make time for me-time.
Your old roommates understood it when you shut your door and holed up alone with nothing more than a jumbo bag of bacon-flavored kettle corn, but how do you express that need to the person with whom you share a bed? Will reading your book in peace require escaping to the coffee shop across the street?
According to Steinberg, asking for some time alone is not only totally fine but also often appreciated. "Just be open about when you need to recharge, and make sure your partner knows it’s not a rebuke," she says.
If he or she still ends up with hurt feelings (extreme extroverts don't always get that most of us need occasional solo time), consider accommodating their schedule. For example, can you roll solo while he meets friends for brunch or she plays a soccer game, then hang afterward for a mutual activity?
Bottom line: Me-time is sacred. Just as it's important to continue dating your S.O., it's equally crucial to keep spending quality time with yourself.
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